dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
