you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
