I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
