Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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