So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
