booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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