afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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