the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
