i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
