So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
