Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
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Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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