Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
