He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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