I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
