I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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