I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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