I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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