Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
