Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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