I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Randomize
