One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
