I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
