I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
