I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
