so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
