SEEEEXXX PLEASE
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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