I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
