woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
