she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
