How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
