Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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