The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
