I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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