got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
