I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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