I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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