Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
