Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
