How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
