he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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