I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
