Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
