remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize