I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
