I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
