Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
