Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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