I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
