i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
