u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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