why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
