two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
