Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
