Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
