Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
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You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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