One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
