awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
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Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
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I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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