You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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