how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
