Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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