After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
