road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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