Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
