I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
