My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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