hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
